


Do You Ever Really Know? (Can You Ever Really Know?)

by OhTheTerrifyingRarityOfTruth



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: And also really gay, Asexual Clint Barton, Awarded by SHIELD annually in honour of their two greatest agents, Bucky Barnes Is a Good Bro, But she never actually implements them because she’s soft, Eclectic mix of past and present tense oops, F/M, Fraysexual Natasha Romanov, Graphic threats from Natasha, Like even more so than Harley and Peter who are actual teenagers and in love, M/M, Really it’s just Fury trolling them, The Clintasha Award for Fastest Mission Completion, These two are literal teenagers when it comes to love fight me, or so they think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-04-06 02:22:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19053313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhTheTerrifyingRarityOfTruth/pseuds/OhTheTerrifyingRarityOfTruth
Summary: “And I am left in awe of the woman I adore”Adoration is forever, and this is Clint’s journey to realising that as he falls in love with the perfect woman. Nat may not be normal, but she sure is incredible, and that’s all he needs.Feat. an exasperated Bucky who only wants Nat’s happiness and a spider-child who causes entirely too much trouble.





	Do You Ever Really Know? (Can You Ever Really Know?)

**Author's Note:**

> This fic idea came to me while listening to one of my favourite songs, and I employed one of my favourite writing methods, which involves writing as much as possible with no time limit for each verse of a song, then putting them all together in haphazard order so it makes more sense. It works really well, and ends up as a songfic that isn’t a songfic and more like 5+1 or a full multi-chapter story, which I love. Anyway, because of this method, the timeframe is a little messed up, so just ignore it (We’ve got the Endgame braid on Nat and Bucky is present but also no bad feelings that may have stemmed from Civil War? Possibly pre-Civil War and post-Winter Soldier I guess, or post-Endgame except everyone lives).  
> No beta except myself and really how far do you trust me??  
> Song to set the mood is Woman by Mumford and Sons.

She was shimmering. Aglow. Incandescent. He knew it was only the lights around her, lit to highlight the map she pointed out to them on the table, but for just a moment it felt like she was the emitter of light. She had always exuded an air of quiet (or sometimes not so) confidence, told you she was the one of the most dangerous people in the room, but just then she had become a goddess, more powerful and beautiful and deadly than anyone else in the room, including the two Asgardians and the super-soldiers. 

It wasn’t rare for Clint to notice this about her. He was always aware of his partner, his ally, his closest friend; so many missions had relied on his constant knowledge of her location in relation to him. It was how they worked; one could hardly become an assassin without discerning more than most other people. Just now however, a mission did not hang in the balance. There was no reason for him to notice her, and yet he did. He couldn’t help but take note of the way her hair curled around her ears and down the nape of her neck, or the way her braid fell over her shoulder and highlighted the edge of her collarbone. Objectively he knew she was attractive; on some missions they had had men fall over each other to offer up intel in return for so much as an approving look from whichever pretty girl she was posing as at the time. But subjectively, to Clint, who had known her through some of the most tumultuous times in his life, she was brilliant. To have lived so long despite her circumstances, to have survived a place as treacherous as the Red Room and come out as an assassin, the world’s most frightening woman, was incredible, even to a man who had killed more than most others had met and worked for an organisation like SHIELD. 

He sighed, softly enough to escape notice by most of the other Avengers, but loud enough that Natasha sent him a questioning look from where she stood after relinquishing the map to Tony, who had started marking the points she had indicated and adding his own commentary. He sighed again and shook his head imperceptibly. This was not a matter he needed her asking about, and she invariably would afterwards now that she had noticed. Requesting she didn’t ask was only a formality; answering her in any way served her purpose well enough in the hunt for information. Clint had once seen her have a conversation with three KGB agents involved in human trafficking, and by acting the part of the submissive girl and talking about her imaginary boyfriend, had gleaned their motives and the locations of their next targets. It was Sherlock-esque, what she did, and Clint only knew who that was after Peter hadmade them watch the show (Peter had actually just asked if they wanted to sit with him and see it, and it was Natasha glaring at them from behind him that had meant no one would dare miss it).

 

~~~

 

To no one’s surprise, she did catch up to Clint, after the briefing. He had only been required there as a formality, and Natasha only to provide information, as the mission was not their to complete. Because of this, Clint had been able to slip away rather soon after the meeting had ended, attempting to get as much distance as possible between himself and the questions he knew Natasha wanted to ask. 

Except there was no escaping an ex-soviet assassin when she wanted something. Clint had just turned a corner, glad to be out of sight of the conference room, when he crashed in a figure of black clothes and red hair, a combination he knew of on only one person. He sighed again. Her face was blank but for a smirk playing at the edge of her mouth, and Clint knew from experience that he would not be able to read her like he could with almost anyone else. She was empty of emotion, a blank slate, an enigma he had yet to crack.

“Okay, tell me. What’s the matter?” And there it was. The questioning had begun.

“I’m fine. Just didn’t sleep as well as I should have last night.”

She levelled him with a glare. It was all he had expected from her. He sighed again. 

“Seriously, Nat, just leave it. Please?” 

“Why?”

“Just because.”

“Do I get a time scale for when you’ll tell me?” Apparently it was a given that he would be telling her eventually.

“Two weeks. Maybe.” 

It was Natasha’s turn to sigh. Obviously it wasn’t what she had wanted, but they had been working together long enough that she trusted him enough to leave him with his thoughts, a luxury she could rarely afford anyone else, as cautious as she was. He had bought himself some time to come up with a suitable lie about why he had been acting oddly that day. It wasn’t a brilliant solution, but it was the only option available to him. The thought that he could tell her that he had been admiring her had barely crossed his mind before he had shut it down. There was no good ending to that, the best case scenario being Natasha only spraining his wrists so he couldn’t shoot for a few days and ignoring him for the rest of their lives. There was no way he, or SHIELD for that matter, would survive in that scenario. Strike team Delta were the best of the best, individual strengths heightened by their ability to work impossibly well with each other. No one would come out of that without some sort of detriment. The lie it was then. Clint had a week to do what no one else had ever done successfully. Lie to the Black Widow.

 

~~~

 

_13 days_

The first time Clint sees Natasha after his resolution is the morning of the next day, whilst she and Bucky prepare for a mission. Clint is on leave at the moment, after he was shot a few days ago, so Bucky is in black to take his place, sleeve covering his arm to make it less obvious. It is clear he will be up high watching, gun at the ready. Natasha, on the other hand, is dressed be noticed. She’s all in soft pink, a dress he’s never seen before, that makes all of her curves gentle and audibly swishes around her feet. Today she is demure and modest, her character cultivated to appeal to the target as best she can. Most of the team are too recognisable now to act like this, after saving the universe and everything else, but Clint is still astonished by little heed most men take of Natasha’s reputation. They all still think that if they’re nice enough, show her a good time, the renowned Black Widow will just turn out to be a timid mouse in a man’s world and will fall into bed with them, act on their every whim. (Much of the world is still very sexist, he comments to her on one such mission. She replies with a bubbly laugh, very much in character, says it makes her job even easier, and winks at him before sashaying off towards their target. They were back in New York the next day.)

Clint is stood at the door watching the dress move as Natasha does when she calls out a good morning to him and Steve, who is just passing by. Clint answers, but at that moment Steve sees Bucky and is rushing in to make sure he’s okay. It’s cute, Clint thinks, the way they fuss over each other despite the fact that they are both trained soldiers and have been doing this for years. Evidently Bucky has lost none of the worried nature he had when they were younger, and Steve is definitely still not over the whole falling off of a train and being brainwashed business. For a moment, he entertains the idea of having a partnership like that, and his mind brings up Natasha. They’ve been working with each other as strike team delta for years, but they’ll never end up worrying about each other like Steve and Bucky do. Neither of them quite have the right caring streak, Clint thinks. And they’re not practically married, or anything close to a hundred years old. Okay, he muses, so maybe Bucky and Steve aren’t the best example of a perfect partnership. But sometimes he does still wish that he had someone who loved him as they do. They are so utterly devoted to each other that Clint doubts either would carry on living if the other ever died. 

But thinking about partners leads him back to his own teammate, Natasha, and Clint is suddenly aware that she looks ethereal in that dress as she talks with Steve. She’s dressed up before, he knows, and looks just as angelic every time, but this pastel pink floats around her and sets off the pigment of her hair just enough to soften it. Her eyes are stunning, sharp and sensual and accentuated by the simple peridots in her ears and the sapphire around her neck. She looks gentle and innocent and is either too encapsulated in her conversation and preparations or is deliberately ignoring Clint, because there is no way his enamoured looks would have escaped notice had any of them not been as preoccupied. He shakes his head, bids Bucky and Nat good luck, and walks out of the room, intending to find Tony and distract himself from any and all images of Natasha in her dresses or otherwise.

 

~~~

 

_10 days_

It’s three days later when Clint finally decides he is head over heels for this woman. He has just been cleared for active duty again, in time to be sent off undercover with Nat somewhere on the west coast. He reads the brief on the flight over and learns that they are to be posing as a couple on their honeymoon to infiltrate the resort town. A simple mission to introduce him back into active service, and he is completely ready for it. Sitting around with nothing to do but irritate Maria and Tony is hardly his idea of a good time, and he’s missed the thrill that comes from a mix of near-death experiences, Natasha and his bow. Nat’s grinning too, allowing her happiness at having her partner back to be seen, letting her guard down, and it feels like such an honour to be able to see her so carefree with her emotions. Clint’s happy in the moment here, and he knows he will always find his home in Natasha and that smile.

 

~~~

 

It’s several hours after they touch down in the quinjet that someone first asks about their relationship to one another. She’s another guest at their hotel and is entirely too nosy for her own good. Everyone knew someone like her; the aunt who wants to know everything about you, the shopkeeper who keeps trying to make conversation, or the grandma who never stops calling.

Luckily, they have prepared for any eventuality, even one like this, and so Clint wraps his arm around Natasha’s waist as per the plan, pulls her closer and tells the prying woman that they had just married. The face Natasha creates this time is loving, doting, adoring as she shrugs and says yeah and if Clint hadn’t already been in love, that would have been the moment when it happened. The look on her face was not one he had ever seen before, though she had ample opportunity to use it on her marks. She often tried for loving, or lustful, or enamoured, but never before had she seemed adoring to anyone. This expression was different. The look she gave Clint this time felt much more... honest. And while he was distracted Natasha leaned up and pecked him on the cheek, which he was most definitely not ready for and would be reliving as soon as he was somewhere private enough to think clearly. The woman who had questioned them immediately cooed and muttered something about young love that he could not decipher, then walked away, obviously satisfied with their answer.

Clint and Natasha stepped apart, his arm unwinding from where it had rested on her hip and the moment seemingly forgotten, but the kiss would not leave his head so easily.

 

~~~

 

_3 days_

Much of the next week was spent in quiet contemplation at the compound. The mission had come off without a hitch, information gathered and gang of serial killers detained in a little over thirty six hours, which had to have been some sort of record, Clint and Natasha had decided on the way home. They had also resolved to ask Fury about it during the debriefing, and if there wasn’t an award then he should certainly get to work on making it a reality. There was nothing like a little competition to bring out the true potential in an organisation consisting mainly of secret agents and recruited assassins.

In any case, the rapid completion of the mission had meant that Clint had nothing to do for the entire period he had been expected away, which added up to about a week doing nothing unless he chose to. Natasha had taken the chance to spend some time with Peter, who seemed to have adopted each other as spider mother and spider child, though Natasha was adamant that should anyone refer to them as such they would be castrated and then hung from a window of the tower for several days until the rabid pigeons of New York had consumed both their eyeballs and cheeks. Everyone but Pepper, Bucky and Clint had believed her, and now sat in terrified expectation any time the matter was alluded to. Pepper didn’t but she was also nice enough to not bring it up. Clint did use the moniker often, though only to annoy her and because she secretly enjoyed caring for someone for once. And then there was Bucky. Bucky, who took no shit from anyone but had a curious fond streak, defending his friends and family beyond loyalty. Bucky, who had been in love with Steve since the forties but had made himself part of the Avengers alone, and Bucky who was walking up to Clint right at this moment.

“Hey, birdbrain. What’re you watching?” To be completely honest, Clint had forgotten that the tv in the common room was turned on. He looked over and saw the credits for a movie he vaguely remembered being on scrolling up the screen.

“Nothing really. Did you want the remote?”

“Yeah, sure.”

The room went quiet while they tried to look for another movie. The silence was companionable, and Clint had no desire to leave. Even after they had chosen an old action movie that Clint had seen already, he decided to stay and strike up a conversation instead.

However, in hindsight, “Where’s your limpet?” was probably not the best sentence to lead a conversation with. Bucky didn’t seem to mind, though. He had experienced much more confusing conversations in his life, Clint was sure.

“What do you mean?”

“Steve. I don’t think I’ve seen you without him for a while.”

“He’s busy just now. With Harley and Bruce, I think. What about you? Where’s Natalia?” Clint had almost completely gotten used to Natasha’s other names, as they had to use fake ones often, but the question was still confusing.

“What?”

Bucky smirked. “Natalia. Usually you two are inseparable.” 

This was news to Clint. He knew that they spent plenty of time together, for SHIELD as strike team delta, and otherwise, around the compound, but he didn’t realise that they were together as often as the two biggest love struck teenagers in the compound (Bucky and Steve the teenagers at heart, as opposed to Harley and Peter the actual love struck teenagers).

“Really?”

The smirk had graduated to a shit-eating grin. “It’s okay, bird boy. We all know you’re completely infatuated with her.” 

“I am not!”

“You are, and so is she. The only reason she hasn’t noticed yet is because she’s never been great with emotions. They make her confused and cloud her judgement.”

“If you were anyone else, I would ignore everything you just said.”

“And because I’m me?”

“Because you’re you, I’m going to do something about this.”

So without thinking too hard about what he was doing lest he stop himself, Clint grabbed a piece of paper from the desk in the corner of the room and scribbled out a note.

**Hey, Nat**

**You’re gorgeous and inexplicable and brilliant and just a tiny bit impossible.**

**You’ve heard this before, but you’re stunning.**

**And you definitely haven’t heard this enough, but that isn’t the best part of you.**

**You’re incredibly talented, and one of the smartest people I know, and we live with men who have more PhDs than friends. You’re perfect, and I’m sorry you’re still beating yourself up about those lives you haven’t saved and those you took. Your ledger is clear, at least with me. I may have saved your life once, but you have saved mine every day since. Please never forget that.**

**Clint**

When he thought about it after, slipping the note under her door probably wasn’t the best way of delivering that kind of message. He had very little idea about how a message like that should be delivered, in fact. Super spies rarely had occasion to pass each other declarations of love, let alone notes in which they bared their souls to a woman who could probably kill them several hundred ways without any sort of weapon at all. But Bucky had given him the thumbs up as he did it and seemed confident, so something must have been done right. Bucky was in the most stable relationship Clint had ever known, so he must understand what he was doing, right? (When they discussed it afterwards, Clint found out that it had, in actual fact, been Steve who had made the first move and that Bucky was still as clueless as he had ever been. The urge to punch him was suppressed strongly, and instead Clint settled for a strongly worded message and the sharing of his blackmail material gathered through spying from the vents with Natasha.)

 

~~~

 

_0 days_

“Clint, what the hell is this?” She had found the note, then. The past three days had been spent in terrible uncertainty, as she had been in and out of the compound often, constantly on errands for SHIELD and herself, never needing her room. Peter had accidentally demanded her attention through a series of increasingly dangerous predicaments in the city proper, where it seemed that Harley had attempted to help by stealing one of the Iron Man suits left in the tower and ended up just doubling the number of practically-adopted-by-the-Avengers teenagers held hostage. Naturally, being the spider mother that she secretly was, Natasha had offered to make the trip down with Tony in order to sort it out. (Clint had noticed the glint of protectiveness in her eye, and was suddenly very glad that he was not one of the kidnappers, or anyone within at least a half kilometre radius of her when she ultimately did recover Peter.)

In any case, Nat had not been around often enough to have needed to use her room on the compound, and therefore had not found the note slipped underneath her door. During this period, Clint had, several times, attempted to rescind his determination, and had endeavoured to retrieve the piece of paper on which his future rested. But she had blocked up the bottom of the door as best she could, leaving only space enough for sheets of paper. She had locked the door, as always, and the vents above her room had been closed off with several grilles and wires in order to deter anyone who would want to enter that way. And always, just as Clint was about to start thinking seriously about how to get in, Bucky would turn up and remind him to be patient. He was right, Clint knew, and anyways, he had gone through too much concerning this to accept any lack of ultimatum. 

Still, a confused Natasha was not his intended result. Especially not while he was eating breakfast. A straight ‘yes Clint will you go on a date with me’ was what he had hoped, a ‘no Clint I don’t want a date’ was what he had expected, but Natasha never showed confusion. It was a weakness, not knowing something.

“What the hell is what?” He protested weakly.

“You know what I mean. Did you want to tell me something?”

Bucky nudged Clint in the ribs, intended as an encouraging gesture. But it was with his left arm and so hurt like hell. He groaned and then straightened up. There was no point putting it off any more.

“I kind of like you a lot?”he attempted before Bucky interrupted.

“Oh for god’s sake! Natasha, he’s actually a hopeless romantic and cares about your feelings and is in love with you. A hell of a lot.” 

“Bucky!” Clint hissed, “not like that!”

“Clint? Is that true?”

He hung his head shamefully and muttered, “A little bit, yeah.”

“That’s... pretty sweet of you, actually. The letter too.” Clint lifts his head to look at her incredulously. Those just aren’t words people expect the Black Widow to say, and even Clint who knows her simply as Nat is surprised. She spends so long in character that they are often startled when she does something as Natasha instead of as one of the characters she plays.

“Really?”

“Yeah. Did you want to go out with me?”

“If you’re not adverse to it?” 

Of course not, you idiot.” And suddenly the emotions and the adrenaline coursing through Clint hit him, and he lets out the breath he didn’t know he was holding and jumps up to hug her all in one movement, because it’s all so overwhelming and he has no idea how she must be feeling but he hopes it might be something like this. She giggles, goddamn  giggles , and hugs him back tightly. This is new, sure, but there’s nothing strike team Delta can’t handle together, so he pulls her away a little so that he can kiss her like he’s always wanted to. It’s sweet and tender, perfectly reflecting the way he feels just now. They have time, and she’s gorgeous, and breakfast is on the table. Before they sit down, though, he speaks up again.

“You know, I asked Fury about the award we talked about on the jet.”

“What did he say?”

“He said it was one of our few good ideas and that he would get Maria to work on it. Apparently he wants to call it the Clintasha award, seeing as we came up with it.”

“You do realise he’s treating it like a joke?”

“Of course, but wouldn’t it be cool to be remembered for something? Just think, in fifty years, an aspiring young team win and are told the story of the greatest strike team the world has ever known.”

“That is completely and utterly ridiculous, but I like your imagery so I accept. Take me down in history.”

And he huffs, moves closer and buries his head in her shoulder to hide his laughter and then she laughs too and they stand there, wrapped in one another’s arms laughing in joy and relief and everything is good.

 

And later on, when Clint could watch her without judgement from her or their friends, he took the chance to sit and observe the deft way she moved while she sparred with Bucky. And as she moved, he decided that it wasn’t just love he felt for her. He was in awe of her, yes, and had said as much in his letter, but the overwhelming feeling was adoration. She may have been easy to lust after, or even to love, as shown by the many people they encountered on missions, but no one else had ever adored everything about her.

Love may be temporary, and lust will be even more so, but adoration was and always will be forever.

_And I am left in awe of the woman I adore_

**Author's Note:**

> I’m hella bi and ready to die for these two hit me up with prompts for anything on tumblr @ OhTheTerrifyingRarityOfTruth (or friendship I would love friendship)  
> Constructive criticism is fine but really just yell at me that’s cool too ik it’s bad writing  
> Try to spot the point I gave up


End file.
